Now it may seem a bit stressful at first to think that you might be part of someone else’s support system. You might think “how can I possibly help a friend? I’m not a doctor! What can I really do?”

But it’s important to remember that “everybody needs help sometimes and nobody has all the answers. Sometimes we can help others just by being supportive and listening. Other times, we can help by connecting them to people with more training and skills to support.” – OPH, How to talk about your MH

As a peer, you play a very important role because before youth reach out to professional supports, like doctors and therapists, they tend to reach out to friends and peers first!

In fact, the Centre for KnowKnowledge Institute on Child and Youth Mental Health and Addictions did an Ontario-wide survey and found that “the most common form of mental health support young people have sought since the beginning of the pandemic is that from friends, family or a trusted adult (79%)” – COE

This reminder makes it even more important for all of us to know what to do when a peer, friend or family member reaches out to us for help. We can’t NOT talk about it!

When a youth helps another youth, we often hear the words peer support to describe it.

A peer is someone just like you! They are the people around us who are close in age, have similar experiences or abilities.

Peer support then, is when two or more people who are peers help each other either emotionally or practically.

A peer supporter can be someone who is trained to offer support and advice – just like our facilitators at YouthNet! – or just a friend or peer who wants to be a source of help, comfort, or understanding.

In mental health, peer support can come from someone who either understands mental health or has their own lived experience with mental health issues, which they can draw on to help guide others.

You might be wondering – How will I know if it is the right time to support a friend? How will I know that they are struggling with their mental health?

There are a few signs that can tell us when to be concerned.

We can think of our mental health like an iceberg.

Some signs we can easily see because they’re floating above the water, and others are harder to see because they’re underwater.

• Emotions, like whether someone is visibly stressed or upset (e.g., crying),
• changes in someone’s appearance,
• changes in the way someone talks,
• changing behaviours (e.g., like withdrawing from people and social situations)

• how someone is really feeling,
• problems they may be having at home,
• thoughts,
• brain chemistry,
• relationships with others, and
• much more!

Rule of thumb to follow: Check in with a friend if you notice any BIG changes. You know your friends and peers best, so you are more likely to notice these changes!

For example, you might easily notice that someone you see everyday starts missing class, maybe you don’t see them at lunch anymore, and they’ve quit all their activities and you notice they’ve stopped posting on social media when they used to post all the time. Would any of these changes make you wonder whether something is going on for them?

Not all changes are negative changes like missing school or isolating oneself.

There can be changes that are sometimes positive (or at least appear positive on the outside) but may still be a red flag that something is going on emotionally, mentally, or physically for someone. Can you think of any?

• Over exercising or dieting
• Spending all their time studying
• Spending all their time indoors watching TV or playing video games
• Filling up their schedule to be really busy
• A romantic relationship or friendship that maybe doesn’t leave them feeling great
• Suddenly being overly positive or extremely social

Beyond noticing these changes, you might also be the first person a peer or friend opens up to about something tough they’re going through. These kinds of situations can be challenging for anyone. You might feel a range of emotions like nervousness, confusion, sadness, and maybe even frustration because you’re not sure how to help.

That’s ok. These are natural feelings and you don’t have to know what to do all the time!

REMEMBER: You aren’t a mental health professional! Regardless of what it is, if ever you are worried about a friend, know that you do NOT have to handle it alone. Reach out to a trusted adult or support of your own and just focus on being a “positive peer” to your friend 🙂

Speaking of being a positive peer… Let’s discuss all the ways we can support someone who is struggling:

First, just think about what qualities make a good friend and what you might want if you needed help.

• Always start by listening! Make time to talk, ask genuine questions, and be attentive to what they say.
• Don’t judge them. We are all trying to navigate this crazy, big world and all experiencing it in our own unique way. So even if your friend expresses a feeling or experience that seems confusing or unfamiliar to you, try to just listen without making any assumptions about them.
• Let them know that you are there for them. Think about what you would like to hear when you’re struggling. That may be things like “I’m here for you.” or “I care about you.” or “I’m here if ever you want to talk.”. Chances are, even if they don’t feel comfortable about opening up right away, they’ll at least know that you are a safe and supportive person to talk to in the future.

• Ask what they need. Don’t offer advice if they don’t ask for it! We usually mean well when we try to give advice, but if your friend just wants to be comforted, that is something you can do. Avoid toxic positivity (e.g., pushing someone to “just be happy” or pointing out that “things could be worse”) and just offer what you can if it feels right to you (e.g., sometimes just offering to hang out and watch a movie with no pressure to talk is a way of giving support)
• Know the resources! Now that the conversation is open, you can connect your friend to a trusted adult or a helpful resource. If they don’t seem open to it, you can offer to call a crisis line with them or be there when they talk to someone like a guidance counselor or their parents. Don’t worry, we’ll go over lots of resources next!
• Offer what you can, and remember your boundaries. If you ever feel like a situation with a friend is too much pressure for you, you can tell your friend that you’ll still be there for them, but that you can’t support one another all alone and that it’s important that they also have a trusted adult and/or professional as a main support.

Just keep being there! Sometimes what helps someone the most is just showing that you’re there and that you’re not going to abandon them just because they’re going through a hard time.

When someone is struggling with their mental health, it can sometimes make a person feel like they’re not worth other people’s time or care, so try to be understanding when someone doesn’t always text back, keep inviting them to things even if they say no, don’t be afraid to send them something out of the blue that you both think is funny/uplifting or message a little reminder that you miss them – essentially, just continuing to extend friendship and kindness can make all the difference.

Positive thinking is a great mental health tool! But toxic positivity happens when positive thinking is pushed or forced on someone as the best (or only) way to deal with their problems.

You might hear people say things like:

• “Just be happy”
• “Things could be worse”
• “Everything happens for a reason”

While these may sound like a good or encouraging messages, forcing positivity on others can invalidate the way someone is feeling, make them feel weak because they are struggling to be positive, and leave their problems unaddressed or ignored.

Acknowledge that life is hard! You are so strong for admitting how things make you feel.

Remember: It’s ALWAYS okay to reach out. We’ll all need different things at different times and as an extra stressful time in most people’s lives right now, we need all the support we can get! Never be afraid to reach our or, at least know WHO to reach out to cuz you never know when a friend might need to know…

Airplane analogy: Have you ever heard the saying “put your own oxygen mask on first”? This saying is announced before every single flight when they go over safety protocols on an airplane.

Why do they say this?

Well, in an emergency, while you may want to support someone else who needs help reaching their oxygen mask right away (e.g., like a small child), it’s actually critical that you get your oxygen mask on before doing anything else because you may only be capable of helping another person if you’ve taken care of your own needs first.

This may sound odd when we apply this example to helping someone struggling with their mental health, but it’s basically the same logic: When we help ourselves first, we are making sure that we are in a stable or healthy enough place to help someone else. We won’t be much help if we don’t know our own boundaries, overextend ourselves, or are feeling so rundown and exhausted that we’re now struggling too!

TAKEHOME POINT: Helping yourself first isn’t selfish, is self-care!

Phew – That was a lot to discuss, right? Don’t worry, you can come back to this information at any time or view the Youth Engagement Module section to learn more ways to make a difference, get involved, support one another, access resources to improve mental health among your friends, peers and community.

We hope this info makes you feel a little more comfortable with some not so comfortable conversations. Remember – you are an amazing human being that made it this far in life already, so don’t get discouraged. The more we talk about mental health, the easier it is to support others and help them get the help they need.